Our lips touched and I knew I was in trouble.
When I finally had a chance to back up I told him that I couldn’t help but be stunningly aware that he’d not kissed anyone but his (now ex-) wife for nearly 20 years.
As I moved him to the door (it was nearly 3 am), I said:
“I can’t help but wonder if you’re kissing me because I am not your ex-wife or because you actually feel something for me.”
And which point he started to tell me that he was never able to communicate with his wife like he does with me.
(Minus ten points for comparing me to his ex-wife)
That I’m so beautiful.
(Minus five points for thinking I’d fall for that. I’m far from beautiful. Far. This is not a self-esteem thing; it’s a truth thing. Eye of the beholder, nothing. A lifetime of rejection and nary a second glance confirms this.)
There’s a million other points to be lost.
For being only 4 months out of a 17-yr marriage/21-yr relationship.
For being a Catholic. One that attends church on Sundays and midnight mass on those key holidays (not that I know what those holidays are).
For having posted in the ‘platonic only’ section of CL, looking to connect with other single parents, only to make his move on Saturday night.
On the other hand…if I wanted someone who could keep me in a comfortable lifestyle. Who would pay for dinners and vacations (he tried to pay the parking ticket I got when we first met). Who gives his all to his three teenage daughters, whose mother walked out and spends just 24 hrs with them each week. Who would give his all in a relationship. Who would be a fabulous dad-figure to The Mook.
If I could overlook all the things I see in him that make me uncomfortable, given my hippie lifestyle -
Golfing
Skiing
Caribbean vacations and cruises
His career in a money-making and trading business
The Audi
A 4100 square feet house in the suburbs
His over-involved mother
If I could overlook that. If I had reached the point where I was looking to be with just someone and comfortable. If I didn’t mind being a rebound for the long-term (because it is clear that he is looking for the long-term).
Then, I would date him.
But, I don’t want to. And I’m not sure how to express to him all he doesn’t know. The all of me who makes him not at all the right person for him. The madness. The history of one-night stands and lack of interest in monogamy. And the all of him that makes him not at all the right person for me. A money-making golfing Catholic.
What next? Let him down gently.
Just my luck, of course. To find someone who is attracted to me and thinks I’m beautiful and with whom there is absolutely no possibility of a relationship.
Hey lady,
you sound so strong and so together. Give yourself some credit for having such high expectations and not settling for something you know is not 100% right for you.
You rock!
Ditto to the above!! (I know that’s cheating but I’m swamped but had to read this!!!) You rock.
My dad would love to see me “settle down” with a Doctor-type boyfriend–someone to take care of me (and the kids, of course).
What he doesn’t realize, though, is that “type” of person would never be drawn to me in the first place once they got past the facade of my face. I’m too much my own person and could give a crap about the posh lifestyle of a doctor. Now, I know that not all doc’s are like that. My brother-in-law’s not like that. But, he’s not the norm. I know that.
I suppose that makes me odd. But, it’s true nonetheless.
I’m more of a fringe person, I guess.
Okay. I like fringe.
Good for you for not settling. In my opinion, there is nothing scarier than an over involved mother. Bean’s mother was the cause of more stress, arguments and low-self esteem than I can even count. You’re right, he’s not like you. You are much more authentic, much more real. He might be a nice guy but I’d be afraid he’d try to turn you into someone you are not, make you conform. And Catholicism? Scares me. Have Catholic friends I love, but couldn’t marry one. And he’s not so new out of his old relationship..I’d be afraid he’d use you as his rebound..not value you, maybe discard you when he was through with you. You deserve better. You are awesome, brilliant, courageous, compassionate, and creative. I’m not sure he has the sense to appreciate all of the wonderful parts of you. I love Davonne’s “fringe” person description. I totally get that.
If you really find yourself having trouble letting him down gently, you can always tell him that maybe you aren’t as ready to date as you intially thought, but it was fun, thanks. It is not completely the truth, but it is generally the way I break up with people..tell them it is me, not them. 
I love you. You’re doing awesome. Take care, S
I love your no-nonsense, no-bullshit parsing of this. You are excellent.